Hello from sunny and very warm Florida! Have you ever had the flu in 90-degree weather? Isn’t it amazing that when you have those pesky chills that nothing can make you warm! I even tried wearing a sweat suit while bundled up in three layers of blankets in 90 degree plus heat and it didn’t help me one bit! Whatever flu I had, I kicked its butt with potent vitamins, plenty of water, detoxing yoga sequences and lots of sleep. I give the sleep part to God because I honestly don’t know how I was able to stop the nose blowing and coughing so I could sleep like a baby through each night, but I did. I can also tell that this sudden halt to my life is going to be continuing for a while as my respiratory system is very compromised so here’s to enjoying a slower pace, more yoga than weights and learning the art of what they call an active restful peace.
Life in the Bull Pin has been tough although I am finally adapting to my environment instead of constantly trying to escape it. I started watching a show called Life or Debt and some wheels started turning in my head and I came up with a budget for my current existence. I had to cut my groceries, toiletries and fun money in half and as a result I am getting rather creative with my food options to stay on budget. I have been attempting to follow my new budget for the past few weeks and have done well so far. My goal was to stop having to cut into savings each month especially since I cannot put anything into savings! This budget is not a long-term fix since I cannot effectively pay off my debt and keep out of savings, but it will allow me to at least make ends meet while I am in the bull pin. The simple truth is plainer than day: I cannot stay where I am, but the door remains locked as to going any where else. And so, I created a budget for the bull pin. I find that whenever I get sick, it gives me time to reflect on my life and this time around I realized that I have been running myself ragged trying to make Jacksonville work. When I first arrived here, there were better paying jobs available, but I was burnt out and needing some rest. Now that I am mentally back in the game, the good paying jobs have vanished. They are just not here. The Jacksonville economy is really weird anyway. There seem to be three sets of jobs available here – an insane amount of minimum wage to high 20K, a few $30K’s and then a bunch of $50K-200K+ jobs that are manager/director level and out of my reach. Jacksonville is a beautiful city boasting great weather, a river front, the intracoastal waterway and several area beaches, but the economy here is wack and it is probably responsible for the fact that this amazing city hasn’t grown like it should have considering all it has at its finger tips. Anywho, I kind of got side tracked, but the point I was trying to make is that I have been making myself sick trying to make Jacksonville work. I sit all day at a desk reconciling things on multiple computer screens, come home, work out, then get on the computer to job hunt and apply to jobs and nothing worthwhile ever seems to come back. And I’ve literally been doing this for a year! While I was sick this time around – it hit me that maybe I need to take a step back. When I first came here, I was told that Jacksonville is preparation – so maybe I need to stop trying to hold on to something that apparently doesn’t want me to hold on to it. On a brighter note, I had an insane outburst at a festival I attended very recently, but it hit me later that day, that it was my first outburst in weeks! I have turned a corner in the temper department and I guess I had to have an outburst to realize how long it had been since I had one! LOL. But in all seriousness, I am continuing to work on staying calm and being an example of love and grace to all I meet. It is not easy, but new habits are taking the place of old ones and my outbursts are becoming less and less a part of my life. And now, I feel I am learning the art of really letting go of the steering wheel of life. I now realize that I have done everything I can to the point of extreme exhaustion to prevent what seems unpreventable – total financial collapse. I just can’t worry about it anymore. I just have to let go of the steering wheel. My new prayer is that I would know when I am taking the wheel out of God’s hands because it is hard to decipher between taking the wheel back and just using plain common sense. All I know is that I am no longer job-hunting like a crazy person. On the weekends, as I have time, I will do a local hunt and a national site hunt and if the hammer drops before I land something then so be it. I will take myself back to Tennessee where I have a house I can stay in rent-free. Sometimes we have to stop trying to walk or keep up and allow ourselves to be carried.
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The definition of corral is to gather together and confine. Synonyms include capture, collect, enclose, lock up and shut in – in other words trap. This might explain why I feel so trapped these days. God spoke to me recently and He told me I was being corralled into a very tight space so He can direct me to the right pasture. His words, not mine. His thought, not mine. I am a Taurus through and through and trying to corral a Taurus is like trying to corral the most stubborn and aggressive bull on the planet, but I do like that word ‘pasture’. I feel like I am on a rotating merry go round of phases of corralling. In Phase 1 I am cocky and fighting back non-stop. In Phase 2 I realize I am trapped and I start freaking out and trying to find a way to escape. In Phase 3 I am teary-eyed and weary with a willingness to relent, give-in and give-up. There is a Phase 4 – the phase in which one has waved their white flag, fully given up and accepted their new reality. In other words – they have stopped kicking and screaming allowing the Rancher to open the gate to a new and uncharted pasture – a pasture created especially for the individual walking into it. A pasture that will be well – liked. Unfortunately, I am stuck rotating relentlessly in and out of phases 1, 2 & 3. I cannot stay where I am, but I don’t necessarily want to leave either. I need a career and not just a job, but Jacksonville doesn’t exactly offer what I am looking for. It can, but those positions are not numerous and are usually given to the friend of a friend, which I am not. It sounds weird, but I like the trees here. I also really starting to appreciate the church I attend and I really love my involvement in CR, the close proximity to the beach and the weather! What I really like is that I feel like I can be used here, that I can have a voice here. I didn’t feel this way in Los Angeles. I couldn’t relate to many of the actors and entertainers I encountered there. I can relate to people here and I think the feeling that I can be used combined with all the other things I like about Jax is what is making me want to stay. The thing is I don’t have anyone to rely on – it is just me versus the world and if I don’t make some sort of move soon – the world is going to win. It is only a matter of time before something gives and I am ruined. This is why I keep rotating through phases 1, 2 & 3 of corralling. There is a large part of me that wants to stay in Jacksonville, but when I look at the larger picture financially along with the type of jobs available in Jacksonville – I feel that I am most likely facing another move. On the one hand, I know that wherever God leads, it will be good, but on the other hand, I want to take control and stay. I feel as though I need to choose between where I want to live and having the job I want. I am just conflicted. In the past when God wanted to move me, He made it abundantly clear and I was ready for it. This time I am not ready, not very willing and not very clear. It is more of a general knowledge that if I want a job like A, B or C – I will most likely have to move somewhere else to get it. As I said earlier, Jacksonville has these jobs, but they are rare and given to friends, not strangers. Of course, something could give and also force me to give up and just get another job – a much better paying one, but still another j-o-b and stay in Jacksonville. The number one thing I need to do right now is stay open to what God wants to do and trust that He will direct my path just like He directed me away from the Kansas City opportunity. I need to stop fearing that I am going to make the wrong decision and start trusting that if I do consider a misstep, that God will course correct like He always does. I seriously want to get a tattoo that reads “Stay Gypsy” “Stay in His Wind” on my forearm so I can read it all day every day. I need these phrases written everywhere to remind myself to stay connected to His Wind and not necessarily this world. And like they say – if you are trying to hold on to something, you probably need to let it go. And of course the one giant elephant in this conversation that has not been broached is the fact that when one is being corralled, one is most certainly going to be doing the exact opposite of what one wants to do – otherwise it wouldn’t be called corralling. Do you think the sheep want to go into the pen? No, they don’t. They want to stay out in the field even though there is no grass left for them to eat and they run everywhere except where the Rancher is trying to get them “Bahhhhing” all the way until they finally collapse from exhaustion and go in their pen only to find that the Rancher was corralling them so he could get them into a new pasture full of lush green grass and rolling hills for their delight. The key for the sheep is yielding to and trusting their rancher and it is the same for you and me. There is a reason Jesus is referred to as the Great Shepherd and it has nothing to do with the literal act of herding sheep. “Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.” - Margaret Shepard As I sit here staring out the window on a warm and dreary day in Northeast Florida, listening to the sound of rain falling onto the trees and grass, I really can’t believe it’s almost December! Time sure does fly whether you’re having fun or not. Seriously. While my time in Jacksonville hasn’t been the most exciting of times, it sure has been a necessary time of personal healing. When I came here, I was confused about everything and that confusion spilled over into my confidence both personally and professionally. It is really amazing when you can look back and see God’s hand leading you through the past year and I can definitely see Him in mine. I had an opportunity to get on with the major media player in town, but due to my mental and emotional state it would have been a disaster and I can see God’s hand in leading me away from that job in a miscommunication of interview times. Even though the job I did land barely allows me to make ends meet, I have yet again enjoyed favor in the company and have been able to chart my own course in hours, lunches, time off and the lateral move into a better fitting department. Looking back, I can say that I needed a lower key job while I was going through a time of personal healing so that I could make my way back to the confident, intelligent, go-getter that I am. So much has happened on the spiritual side that I don’t even know where to begin. God has been speaking into my heart through some of the pastors here in town as well as my home tribe in LA. Don’t you love it when the devil comes at you with brute force and God leads you to a church service where the pastor affirms your stance, gives you confidence and breathes new life into you? That happened to me this past year. I had a Stephen Minister who is part of a local Celebrate Recovery call me stupid for surrendering a certain area of my life to Jesus and actually abiding by His word in this area. He did more than just call me stupid, he was actually trying to coerce me to see things his way so he would have an open door, which I shut and dead bolted immediately. To say this caught me off guard is an understatement. At the time I was going through Redeemed Esteem at Celebration Church, which is a book and corresponding program for those who have past abuse in their lives. I was already in extreme emotional upheaval due to the class, but the devil likes to strike when he thinks we are weak. The trick is – if we are surrendered to Christ and actively putting Him first in our lives – we’re actually stronger than ever regardless of what we might look like to others. I let this man steal my joy for about a month. I had an opportunity to lead big group one night and I couldn’t do it because he was there. I hadn’t fully digested what had happened, how it affected me, why it affected me that way and fully given it to God so I just wasn’t ready. While I do disagree with the fact that he is a Stephen Minister – limited Stephen Minister I should say – I can be in the same room with him now and I pray for his spiritual maturity because he needs it. I kind of drifted, what I meant to say is that the very next day – I went to hear Russ Austin over at Southpoint Community Church and he spoke an entire sermon on the issue with which I had just been challenged. My friend looked at me and said, “ That was for you!” The last minute, last seat in the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration was also intended for me. It might even be one of the main reasons I came to Jacksonville. A lot of healing took place in that class. Strongholds that I have had for years vanished in that class. I have shared previously that I have never been able to see myself correctly in that I tend to see someone much heavier in the mirror. I literally freaked out one day because my wrist looked so small. Truth is I think I was seeing as it really is for the first time that day. I like what I see when I look in the mirror these days too. I have a new confidence that I didn’t have before participating in that class and I am grateful for it. I told the leader / author, Patricia Newton, that I am interested in facilitator training so that might be something on the horizon in the new year as she is working to get the corresponding study guide published and on the market. The book is available online and in select stores for those interested. I have also been challenged to start tithing. I have to admit that I have never been a tither. Namely because I tend to be on the poor end of the prosperity spectrum, but in a recent sermon by a guest pastor at Celebration I felt God hit me over the head. I knew it was my time. I know that when you put God first, God blesses that area of your life and the one area I have yet to give Him is my finances, which by the way, are at a level of devastation that I didn’t even experience in LA! And so I tithed for the first time a week ago. It hurt. I cried. I’m a gluten-free, diabetic who needs to eat. I have a car that is literally on its last leg. I have too much debt to mention. My identity was stolen earlier this year creating more debt that I am fighting. My job is not sufficient, but I knew that when I took it – it was suppose to be a get my wits back and move on sort of position. I didn’t think I’d be there this long and so with all of this going on – I have started tithing! I mean with all of that facing me it seems like a no-brainer – I need to put God first in my finances and I am doing just that despite the fact that I have no idea how I am going to make it through each month. From now on I do the following with each check I receive: pay God, pay myself, and manage the rest. Period. End Point. Ditto. Celebrate Recovery has been another major healing factor in my life and I also believe this to be one of the reasons I came to Jacksonville. I was just too busy in LA to get involved in CR, but once I moved to Jacksonville, I had all the time in the world. Celebrate Recovery has been the other major component in helping me get my groove back so to speak. After attending the same CR for a while, I was able to move onto the leadership team and start being the women’s small group facilitator. I also help out in big group on occasion and was able to give a mini-mony at this CR’s Anniversary party. After giving my mini-mony, I was approached by a couple other CR’s in town to give my full testimony at their meetings. A few months later I received a surprise email asking me to give my testimony at the Mandarin area meeting and I said yes even though I hadn’t bothered to flesh out a 20 minute testimony and would only have a few days to get it written in order to submit it for review. I am so glad I said yes! I was able to flesh out a close to 20 minute testimony and really enjoyed being able to share my story of transformation with others. That first night is special to me and the crew over at Mandarin UMC were so welcoming. An interesting thing happened that night that I want to share: During the pre-service prayer, where leaders pray for the band, host and speaker, I felt the room grow warm to the point we were all flush. A wave of calm swept over me that was so powerful that I had to ask the angels present to take a few steps back because I felt like I had swallowed a chill pill or muscle relaxant and needed this calming energy to fade just a little bit or my testimony would be rather interesting! The amazing thing is that the energy dissipated just enough for me to be fully there, but also be fully calmed. My nerves left and did not return. I was fully comfortable up in front of everyone and was able to maintain a good speaking flow and a lot of eye contact with the audience. It truly is amazing when the angels come close! Another cool thing about that night is that there were about ten female newcomers all my age in the audience. I, of course, did not know until afterwards when the group walked over to CR 101 and I over heard them saying they were all first timers. God is so Good. I truly hope that my story of transformation helped them to open up to the transforming love of Jesus Christ and to keep coming back to CR of course! I am also excited to do it all again over at the Chets Creek CR in the new year because if there is one thing I love talking about – it is Jesus and what all He continues to do for me. Hillsong came to Jacksonville for their Hillsong NIghts tour and it was incredible. I tried to explain to my friend that the energy of that night is what it is like to go to Mosaic every Sunday. She couldn’t quite believe me, but its true. I miss the energy of Mosaic and it was nice to have that energy back at Hillsong Nights. The next day I went to Celebration to hear Brian Houston speak on what would become a talk for the dreamers of the world. At the end, my friend, yet again, turned to me and said, “That was for you!”. Little did she know that during that sermon God breathed a new project into my life. I have only been in Jacksonville a year, but a lot has happened. God definitely had a reason for ripping me out of Los Angeles and bringing me to a moment of stillness so that He could take me up a level so to speak. I am hoping to refresh my website over the month of December revealing a new look and vibe for the January 1st 2016 post. I am also going to be expanding into the vlog/video world in the new year. This is the project that God breathed into me over Hillsong weekend. I have finished the brainstorming phase and am moving into the content creation phase which will be followed by deciding on a home for the content and of course, production. I do not yet have a launch date as I don’t yet know if this content will be on my site, on YouTube or somewhere else so stay tuned as info becomes available. Lastly, God has laid it on my heart to work on a memoir in the same vein of my CR testimony only on a much larger scale. I probably won’t start on that until the video content is off the ground, but you never know because God’s time table and our time tables are not always the same. I guess it is sufficient to say that I am grateful for 2015 and excited to see where God takes me in 2016. My motto is always Stay Gypsy… Stay in His Wind. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of You! P.S. my friend Ruth is currently trying to fund a well through Generostiy. Her project page is give.generosity.org/ruthwarner Feel free to read up on all the amazing work of Generosity Water, donate to my friend’s Well, spread the word, buy some goods or start your own Well Project! If you’re not the charity type, 2016 is a great time to start on a new path. Ladies and Gents, over the past month I have really forced myself out of the rut that has become my existence. A serious pulling up of the boot straps if you will. I have been spending a lot of time alone here in Jax due to my inability to make friends. I have a couple of people I can place in that category, but overall my life is pretty empty right now. I found myself gaining weight, not caring about what I looked like or wore and feeling rather pointless. I mean I couldn’t even bring myself to get a haircut because I couldn’t bring myself to care. I remembered a phrase spoken by Craig Strickland, one of my former pastors, “you can’t feel your way into an action, but you can act your way into a feeling”.
I decided to heed the advise in those words and made a list of things I could do to make it look like I gave a flying seaweed about myself and my life. I got my hair cut and added some highlights, started working out on a regular basis again, started eating better and watching my calorie intake, took advantage of some Labor Day sales and updated my wardrobe, and made a point to think about what I was going to wear each day (makeup, jewelry, dress, shoes, bag). I decided that just because I feel like nothing matters right now, doesn’t mean I have to act like it. I feel like I am loosing myself here in Jacksonville so I am just going to act like I am still in Los Angeles. I am going to wear the right clothes, have the right attitude and keep working towards my goals whether I feel like there is any reason to or not. I have also come to the realization that I really need a better paying job. While it is true that I am in one of the better departments with my current employer, I do need to make a jump in the not too distant future which brings up the question do I wait for a decent paying ministry position to open or go back to the entertainment industry or go for both and see which door opens first? I will most likely do the latter once my class ends in a couple of weeks because like I said, I need some financial stability, a place to call my own and some sort of anchor in my life. Whether that anchor is a job, a city, a ministry or a man, I am feeling the need to anchor to something besides myself. Maybe it is the security driven Taurus side rearing its head, but I feel a major push to get some things taken care of financially and get a home base ASAP. Problem is how does one pick a home base when one hasn’t yet found a place to call home. Perhaps home will find me. I am just going to have to trust that whatever door opens is the door I am supposed to walk through. I am going to have to trust that there is a plan at work and that the next steps will make sense. Trust has come up several times in my Redeemed Esteem class and I feel like God is not only teaching me to trust Him right now, but He is also teaching me to trust myself, my gut, but not necessarily my feelings. I tend to attract very inappropriate men. It is probably why I am still singe, well that and all the drinking. But anywho, I had been keeping a certain male at arms length for a while and no one seemed to understand why. I guess I should also say that this was not a romantic interest, just a fellow alcoholic on recovery road. Everyone else sings praises of this person, but I felt something else, then when this man started complaining to me about his marriage and his sex life, I thought hmm, I might be right about him because why else would he be talking to me about a topic that establishes emotional intimacy nevermind the fact that I have never been married or that he is no where near my age. Then the nail was hit on the hammer. I will not repeat his words here, but I received total confirmation that he is not trustworthy, definitely not Godly or even trying to be and definitely not someone who should be in any sort of ministry position (which he is L). I am just glad that I could smell him a mile away and was able to get an early confirmation so that I can keep stiff arming him as long as it takes. I am also learning to like and love myself. I can say with all seriousness that this is the first time in my life that I have been able to look in a mirror and like what I see in the reflection. When God told me that I was in Jacksonville for preparation, I had no idea what He meant, but now that I am going through this class, serving in a ministry and taking part in a women’s leadership group, I feel that the preparation God was referring to was internal. I feel that this is a time to get the inside right. To cultivate good habits, good thought processes and a healthy belief in myself and my God. Those signs you see at the front of roller coaster rides that say “if you have a nervous disposition then don’t ride” Well, that’s me. I am somehow always freaking out and living in fear of every mistake I make, but I am learning to ride the waves of life, trust my gut, trust my God and more importantly, I am learning how to enjoy the ride as I move towards realizing all of my God-given potential. This past month has been one roller coaster after another. I have been swinging from feeling good and happy to feeling miserable, alone and confused. One day I am happy and feeling planted, the next day I am ready to bolt. All of this emotional ping-pong is really starting to take a toll. I am naturally a lower energy individual (don’t even ask me how I played year round competitive soccer for all those years) and now I am a no energy individual. Something just has to give and I am pretty sure it is me. The highlight of May was going to visit my South Carolina family – my Tennessee family made the trip east so I actually got to see everyone and it was great. I only wish I could have stayed longer. My current employer doesn’t really believe in vacation and the vacation package is pitiful compared to other companies I interviewed with, but those other companies did not hire me so there’s that. Anywho, I got to see my mom and brother and my great aunt and uncle and a host of other people I don’t get to see often and hopefully will be seeing much more often since I am back on the east coast. Upon my return from my super-mini-vacay I was given the opportunity to interview for a different position in my company. Might I also add that it was my birthday. Had it not been my birthday, I might not have been into the whole ordeal, but I figured since this opportunity came out of nowhere on my birthday – I should go for it. It reminded me of that day long ago at Germantown Baptist Church where my family went up front to join the church and my mom yanked my arm and said “Don’t you dare say you don’t won’t Jesus.” Now don’t get me wrong – I was not against Jesus at that time, but I also had not officially made the decision to follow Him either. That decision would come a couple years later, after falling in the baptismal pool and dunking myself and the choir for good measure as well as some other events not being mentioned at this time. It also reminded me of that lovely day in Nashville when I had the opportunity to coordinate record release parties and artists showcases for some of my now favorite Christian bands and I, having other plans, said no. I also thought about the fact that I have actually had quite a few doors open for me in Jacksonville, but I have been unwilling to walk through them because they did not match what I am looking for – that and they all dealt with numbers, which brings me back to my birthday. I said yes for once and by the end of the workday I was in a 30-day trial with the Marketing department in a job that revolves around numbers, which brings me back to the ping-pong emotional roller coaster I have been on lately. The main reason I have always shied away from numbers is because they are simply not my strong suit. I am thoroughly capable, but not naturally gifted if you get my drift. And so each day has brought on new challenges as I learn my potentially new position. Some days I leave work feeling like I am getting the hang of everything and other days I leave feeling like there is no way I am going to make it through the 30 day trial. I should pause here and say that being “Upstairs” in this company is a million times better than being “downstairs”. The whole vibe is different. People are nicer, there is more freedom and frankly it runs more like a corporate office, which is the environment I am familiar with. I feel much more comfortable in my new department and generally like all of my co-workers, which is a big plus as well. I have just had to trust God to sustain me. Every morning I tell Him that I am not in my comfort zone and that I need His help to wrap my head around some of these concepts at work. I ask Him to fill in the blanks and help me to be accurate and He has done just that and more. It hit me the other day that God might be trying to teach me to really rely on Him for situations that are outside my comfort zone and not in my realm of expertise. Just because something does not come natural – does not mean that you cannot ace it. I don’t know what is in store for me down the line, but I am learning to trust God with whatever He brings my way. I am also stepping up at my Celebrate Recovery home group by leading the women’s small group and possibly stepping onto the leadership team. I say possibly because there has been a lot of talk and a whole lot of hesitation, which is fine by me because I have learned the hard way that “when it fits you don’t have to force it.” (Amazing line from the novel “What Doesn’t Kill You” by Virginia DeBerry & Donna Grant) So if this leadership team isn’t in God’s plans – that’s fine – I don’t need the drama and I am just as happy leading the ladies small group. I am also strangely starting to feel settled here. I cannot explain it, but I was sitting on the front porch last weekend sipping some sparkling grape juice (one of my guilty pleasures) and I just thought “I’m home”. I have no idea where that thought came from. It certainly does not make since. I don’t have friends, my professional life is anything but anchored and I have yet to find a church, but for some reason I feel more content than I ever did in LA where I had it all. I guess time will tell. I am smart enough to know that all it takes is one second to change everything. I don’t know what is in store for me, but the one thing I do know is that I am where I am supposed to be. God led me here to prepare me for something He plans on bestowing upon me so I guess I will have to stick around to find out what. I am also back on the church hunt. I have about 7 churches left on my list that I need to visit. While I do need to find a church that I like, God nudged me last week and said “Instead of looking for the perfect church for you, why don’t you find a church that you agree with it’s pastor and his vision and help it grow. Leaders don’t belong, they create the belonging.” And that, my friends, has changed my view on all the churches I have visited. While I am still hoping to find a church with a pastor I like and worship that moves me, if it comes down to it – I will go with the one whose vision I want to help make a reality. As of right now there is only one church on my Round 2 list and three on a wildcard list so here’s hoping the last 7 leave no question in my mind as to what church needs to become my next church home. I really do miss LA! My friends, my adventures and Mosaic. While I no longer have that constant nagging in my soul telling me to leave the City of Angeles, I also no longer have any sort of life. My days consist of job hunting and playing with my roommate’s dogs. I knew I was going to be up in the air for a while and I also knew that once I officially had a new city, it would take a while to start a new life, but the reality of it is just now hitting me and, for lack of a better word, it sucks. As of right now, the only time I get out of the house is to go for walks, go on a job interview or visit a local church. I think it is safe to say that Erwin McManus and Hank Fortener have changed my worship DNA. They and the Mosaic team introduced me to a freedom in worship that I never knew before and I am finding that freedom to be important in my next faith community. I currently have 22 churches to visit in the Jacksonville area so here’s hoping one of them will offer the tangibles I am looking for and the intangibles that I require. For me, worship is now a response to Who my Creator is, all of Who He is; His kindness, His mercy, His grace, His power, His unending love – all of Him. I can no longer just stand in a service and robotically sing songs as if they have no meaning. For me, worship is personal and messy and emotional and amazing and inspiring and communicative and heartfelt. Worship is my response to what Jesus is doing in me, for me and through me; and it was my time at Mosaic that taught me this. Mosaic also gave me an idea as to the energy Heaven is going to have when we all come together to worship our Creator. It’s going to be an energy we don’t want to be away from and I promise to try to bring some of that energy with me wherever I go. If you ever find yourself in Los Angeles, I encourage you to attend one of Mosaic's services. Whether you are a believer or not, the experience will be worth it. My friends in LA wrote a story on my heart. They reminded me who I am and how much I matter. For some reason I have always deemed myself as someone’s second or third choice, but my friends in LA told me a different story. I learned that I am someone worth knowing and that I make a difference in people’s lives. I learned what it means to be me, to stand up for myself and that I am someone other people want to be around. I’m funny, spontaneous, adventurous, insightful, caring, intelligent, somewhat crazy and 100% worthy of love. I am still trying to wrap my head around that last one, but my friends in LA are living proof of it and I miss them every day. LA is also where I learned what it really means to trust Jesus with my life. LA beat me into a corner and left me for dead and in doing so I finally surrendered my everything (alcohol) to Jesus and I got sober. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it has changed my life forever. Folks, I am living proof that AA works because I was one of those people that could not imagine, a me, without alcohol. I mean when I heard love songs on the radio I thought about my favorite vodka drink or my favorite wine. The tables have definitely turned and when I hear love songs on the radio these days, I now think of Jesus and something He has done or is doing in me, for me or through me. Alcohol is no longer my everything. Jesus has taken its place and I trust Him daily to keep me sober as I navigate life without alcohol and trust Him to bring friends into my life that don’t drink for their own reasons. I trust Him to keep me afloat financially and I trust that He has a plan for my life even though it doesn’t look like it right now. I trust that there is a reason that I drove across the entire country and landed in a small city on the opposite ocean with just a few grand to my name and I trust that everything is somehow going to be okay and that I will be able to one day explain to all of you why I had to leave all that I loved so abruptly. The only thing I know right now is that God is being very quiet. Not exactly what I want from my Creator as I watch job opportunity after job opportunity slip from my grasp. I have heard, however, that one of the keys to success is one’s ability to be comfortable in complete uncertainty so I guess I need to suck it up, enjoy my break from the daily grind and trust that if I am supposed to stay in Jacksonville then I will. I am, after all, in my Father’s hands and He is the pilot; I’m just a passenger on His flight who isn’t entirely sure of her destination. Lastly, leaving LA has made me acutely aware of how important it is for me to feel important and to be seen as important by people that I do not know. Every time I have an era in my life come to an end, I fall back down the rabbit hole because I have no idea what to do with myself now that I’m not Jessica the athlete or Jessica the HR professional or Jessica the production coordinator or Jessica the show host or Jessica the bloody whatever… every time I loose my title my identity disappears with it. I need to get rid of the notion that I am what I do. I am so much more than a job title, but for some reason, my identity is wrapped up solely in outward success and as a result my light is very dim and my light should never be dependent on the thoughts of other people. All in all, I had and will continue to have a love/hate relationship with Los Angeles. It taught me a lot about myself and when referring to LA or Mosaic I use “we” so perhaps I’ll be back one day. For now, it appears I have some things to do on the east coast – I just haven’t figured out what they are yet. I wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year. Stay Safe. Stay Classy and don’t be afraid to Let Your Light Shine Bright. I will see you in 2015. As I write this blog, I am in the middle of saying my goodbyes to the friends that became my family here in Los Angeles. I sure have had some amazing adventures here in the City of Angels. Hiking, standup paddle boarding and kayaking became a part of my life here. I can say I have sat on the top of a mountain, scaled a waterfall and learned to rock climb thanks to my adventures in LA. While there will not be any mountains to climb in my new city, I know there are new adventures awaiting my arrival in Northeast Florida. I recently wrote out a list of all of the things I want out of life. I labeled this list Dreams: Having a partner in life in the form of an athletic, good looking, outdoorsy, faithful, spirit yielding man; having a broad platform as a writer/speaker/blogger for Christ; Having a ministry or three; having a family/Adoption; Owning my own home; Being financially stable; Staying Cancer Free. I shortly thereafter wrote another list and labeled it Reality: obtain and keep a nice job that is easy and gives me enough money to not live pay check to pay check; Get involved in a church; Get my non-profit off the ground; Write and publish some books; cultivate my painting; adopt some fur babies; if financially able – host international students. I later realized that the Dreams list represents what I perceive to be in God’s realm of responsibility and that the Reality list represents what I perceive to be in my realm of responsibility. It hit me that I still don’t really trust God. I guess there is a reason that Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse. For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future. I even wrote it on a huge painting (displayed above) and as you can see, this painting reveals that I need to work on writing with paintbrushes. In a recent sermon, Erwin McManus recently stated that if we knew what all God was standing in between for us, we’d all instantly die of heart attacks. The real reality is that neither list is in my control. I have to learn trust God and I am having to trust Him more than ever with this upcoming move. I am in the worst financial state of my life. I have a car that has been giving me reason to doubt its ability to take me across the country and I will only have two months to make it in this new city to which God has called me. I was so consumed with fear over my decision to move that I could not sleep. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I was up walking around and telling God that I could not handle this move. That He was asking too much of me. That this was more than I could bear. Erwin spoke earlier that day on how God meets us where we are and is always willing and happy to do so. Erwin was recounting a scene from the life of Doubting Thomas. Jesus had just died and been raised form the dead and there were many witnesses. Thomas, however, refused to believe the reports that Jesus had been raised from the dead. Thomas said he would only believe if he could put his hand in Jesus’ side where the spear had pierced Him and put his fingers in the holes of Jesus’ hands where the nails had been driven. The part of the story that really hit me was that God did not get mad at Thomas. He just showed up in all His glory, but with the spear hole in His side and the nail holes in His hands so that Thomas could realize that His God was not dead. In a similar fashion, God met me and my fear the very next day. I woke up to an email from a woman named Grace, with a company I had been in contact with regarding an open position. I have an interview scheduled three weeks out for my first week in my new city. It calmed my soul for a day or two. Then I started freaking out again and God gave me another interview. I may not know if either of these interviews will turn into a job offer, but I do know that God is meeting me where I am and saying I have you in the palm of my hand. This is my will for you so don’t make yourself sick over this move. In fact, I have already gone before you and given you a nice place to stay. The rent may scare you, but I already have that handled too. God has also allowed me to know at least one of the whys for this move. You see my current company is in trouble and a new GM has been hired and due to God giving me favor with one important person in this company, I have the inside scoop on what is about to happen and let me tell you – had I not put in my notice when I did there’s a good chance I would have ended up stranded in LA without a way to get home and no money to pay rent. This move across the country might seem crazy, it might seem drastic, it might seem not well thought out, but this move is my saving grace. Louie Giglio once said that God loves Chaos. I think he is right. I honestly do not know what is going to happen over these last two months of 2014. I will either obtain a job or I will be packing up again and heading back to Tennessee to spend some time with my mom while I pay off debt. The one thing I do know is that I am 100% in God’s hand and in His plan for my life so I now sleep fine at night knowing that whatever happens, wherever I end up – God’s Got Me and He definitely has a plan for my life or He wouldn’t be catapulting me back across the country to save me from what I could not see coming. Change, my friends, is the name of the game. God has been gently making me aware of why nothing seems to be happening for me here in bright, sunny California. I mentioned in a previous post that I have been pondering the idea that my sobriety might have been why I was led here and that since I am now sober, my time here might be up. Over the past few months, God has been making this more and more clear to me and I believe I know where He wants me too. It’s like God has taken my dreams and started replacing them with His own. It feels weird. Once, I knew what direction my life needed to take, I began badgering God for a place to land. I know the words ‘badgering God’ don’t sound too smart, but I felt that I needed more direction than ‘leave LA and look for stuff like this…’ And so over the course of a week I would get up each day asking God where He wanted me and I would see a map with a circle over one half of the country. Each day I would ask the same question and each day the circle would get smaller and smaller and smaller until it was over a city. I know of this city, but I have never been there; however, after doing some research, it does meet a lot of my requirements: on the coast, at least medium sized, good weather, lower cost of living, etc. It’s crazy for me to even think of moving right now and I have let God know that it seems financially impossible at the moment so I am leaning on Him for this potential move. I also cannot fathom leaving the friendships I have here, some of which are just beginning to blossom. And then there is Mosaic – I get up each Sunday excited for worship, excited for a brain challenge from Erwin and Hank and I simply cannot fathom finding a place that matches the energy of this faith community I now call home. But more than anything, I know I want to be where God wants me because if I am not where He is, it won’t matter how I position myself; the doors will remain locked. The real uprooting that is taking place in my life is the ripping out of the belief that I am simply not good enough for anything or anyone that God has planned for me. I guess this has always been an underlying current in my life from sports to career to men to my overall social graces. It started one night when I was looking at myself in the mirror and getting superbly upset and Jesus reminded me of that day I actually saw myself in the reflection of a man’s sunglasses. My entire rib cage was exposed. I had no idea I was that skinny. I never saw it reflected back to me. The mirrors I look into only reflect an overweight and hideous looking person. Then God reminded me about how I tend to get unwanted attention from men. They always have to look me up and down about five times before they start talking and they have to whistle or say something stupid… Jesus reminded me, in that moment, that I cannot see myself correctly. Later that night Jesus tapped me on the shoulder while I was going to sleep and said, “It’s time to deal with this. We have to for what is coming.” I simply replied, “Okay, but You’re gonna have to do it because I cannot even begin to deal with all that encompasses.” Crazy thing is… He is doing just that. He has made me acutely aware of how much I bash myself on a daily basis. I mean every other sentence is nothing but self-degradation whether it be my appearance, my efficiency, or my brain. It wasn’t long before He was cutting me off and by that I mean that internal pulling that makes you stop talking mid-sentence and you’re like yeah sorry and you move on to another topic. At this point, I can’t even get those sentences out of my mouth. I mean I’m even starting to like the way I look in the mirror! That’s a first, people, that’s a first. Jesus is doing exactly as I asked, He’s uprooting this unhealthy and limiting belief from my life and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. It’s just happening. But then again, that’s the God I serve. He never gets angry or frustrated with my incredible humanness. He just meets me where I am, only giving me what I can handle, always calling me to a greater purpose and He never fails to carry me when required. Perhaps next month, I will be able to share about the new dreams God has placed in my heart. I feel like God has taken the dreams and plans I had on the front burner and replaced them with the dreams I had put on the back burner. I never really got on the whole Tebow bandwagon, but I have been looking into him lately because it appears God might be doing the same with him in that he seems to have also had two very different goals in life and per recent events, God seems very concerned with the one and not so much with the other. I guess time will tell if he stays on his new road or gets diverted back to the NFL. And time will reveal whether I will be starting down my own new road and whether that road is here in LA or in a city on the other side of the country that looks really nice from a Google Maps perspective. Oh and one more thing! In case you haven’t heard already, November 9th, 2014 is the first ever World Adoption Day!!! Spread the word to adoptive hearts everywhere whether they were adopted, have adopted or are interested in learning more about adoption. World Adoption Day is a global celebration of life and family and we want everyone involved! Go to worldadpotionday.org to find out more! I turned 2 on August 26th. I have officially been clean and sober for two years. While I still have cravings and yearnings of times gone by, I can most certainly say that I do not have any desire to go back to the life I used to live. I cannot even imagine being that person again. When the cravings and yearnings come for that so called simpler time, I am immediately reminded of my inability to control my drinking and who that drinking made me become and the yearnings disappear.
What seems like an easy answer is often times nothing of the sort. More often than not, easy answers lead to even more trouble and don’t actually do anything to help one out. The way I see it, the use of drugs and alcohol is a self-induced mirage. Dude has a bad day, Dude goes to bar to blow off some steam, Dude forgets about how stressed out he is for a few hours, Dude crashes into bed, Dude wakes up and is stressed beyond belief all over again. Another example of this self-induced mirage is a woman getting over a heart break by going to the clubs and getting smashed out of her mind and going home with someone she won’t even remember, she forgets everything for a few hours, but come morning she is sneaking out of an apartment and trying to figure out where she is and how to get home and the heartbreak and loneliness return a few minutes later. Both scenarios are culturally accepted ways to deal with heartbreak and stress; the problem is that neither of them actually solves anything. They are easy, temporary bandages that take us farther down the rabbit hole. Only problem is that we don’t recognize our being in the hole until we find ourselves stuck at the bottom. We as a society love self-induced mirages. We are all about distraction instead of answers. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to take a break from life and get into a good movie or go out and dance the night away. The question at large is the intent behind these and other distraction actions. Are you desperate for a distraction from feelings and thoughts you don’t want to feel or think or are you just allowing yourself a needed break? There is a giant difference and unfortunately, you often need a clear heart and a clear mind to tell the difference between the two. The real answers to our unwanted thoughts and feelings involve facing them head on, sitting with them, getting comfortable with them and learning how to accept them as a part of life. Once we are no longer afraid of these feelings, their power lessens and we are able to navigate around them in a healthier way. Many of the greats say that if you feel lonely – you should do something for someone else; if you feel alone – you should become a part of something of significance; if you feel not worthy – you should lift someone else up; if you feel heartbroken – you should find a way to help mend someone else’s heart. The only distraction God has ordained is our focus on Him, his Goodness and His fierce love for each of us. For it is by focusing on Him and the giving of ourselves to causes that provoke positive change in our world that we receive healing. It all starts with a relationship with Jesus and a few good friends who are speaking truth into your life. If you don’t have either of these, then I suggest starting that relationship and getting involved in a good church or faith-based community. After this, I encourage finding a few more ways to connect. If you like hiking – join a hiking group. If you like painting – go to some painting classes to find others who enjoy your craft. If you love animals – volunteer for a local shelter or rescue group. In other words, get a grounding group of people around you, belong to a community and make sure you are involved in something that makes you come alive. And lastly, when those unwanted thoughts and feelings rear their ugly heads, share them with your grounding group of friends and be willing to let them carry you through when needed. Happy Labor Day from a quiet cove in Malibu: I have been plagued with sickness this past month. My mind, body and soul have been rather weary and the heat isn’t helping. I am also not getting enough rest, which is something I have struggled with my whole life. I am really good about sleeping on the weekends, but the weekdays are an entirely different story. I guess I am feeling pressure in regards to getting a new career going, but I can only do so much and I really need to listen to my body more often. On a positive note, for what is sadly the first time in my life, I recognized a player for being a player. It took three months and constant prayer for discernment before I realized that I was completely being played, but I was able to see the truth in the situation before any strings got attached if you know what I mean. What’s even more amazing is the fact that I was able to realize that I do not want someone who has the qualities I see in this guy. I actually want a good guy who will treat me right. I am actually looking for someone who is honest, kind, gameless and has an active relationship with Jesus instead of the normal slap-me-in-the-face carnal attraction player types for which I usually fall victim. Now, hold your excitement, because while I want a guy with these characteristics – I am obviously not yet attracted to this type of guy. But, I can say that I have turned onto the road that will lead to my being attracted to someone who is actually a decent human being. So there is growth happening in this 34 year old who is sometimes going on three and a half. Another positive from this past month is the confirmation that I definitely want to make a career transition to a non-profit ministry. I know I shared that I was giving this idea serious thought last month and can confirm this month that I am now concentrating my job search efforts in this direction. I feel that my writing is faith based, my stories are faith base, that everything I create is faith based so I might as well transition to a career that aligns with where my heart apparently resides. I actually had an opportunity to interview for one of the few faith based non-profits in the San Fernando Valley. I cannot lie and say I was not crushed when I literally slept through the interview, was able to reschedule only to get lost beyond belief and still able to reschedule a third time only to not check my email in time to confirm the appointment! However, I can say without a doubt that it was not I who sabotaged this opportunity. After the events of this past week, I feel that God slammed that door in my face so that I could have closure regarding the player mentioned above. I guess I needed to tie up some loose ends and receive some confirmations before moving forward. Sometimes receiving clarity is best gift one can receive. I apologize for this being a short and not at all poignant post. I set aside an entire weekend to focus on this post, but ended up in bed the entire weekend with a fever and extreme fatigue. While I am better, some healing thoughts my way are definitely welcomed as the Southern California inland heat is not making things any easier. I am definitely better, but I am either suffering greatly from the heat due to lack of air conditioning or I am experiencing a drop in my potassium. Both cause one to be fatigued, have a low-grade fever, muscle weakness, shortness of breath and an all around feeling of blah. May you and yours have a lovely end to the summer season and I will catch you in September. |
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