This past month I made it to one year of sobriety for the third time. This trip on the carousel has definitely been different in that I brought absolutely nothing to the table other than a willingness to change. I have to say that my life is remarkably different and that I am becoming a believer in the notion that there is magic in the twelve steps. Prior to quitting this time around, I now realize that I was walking up to a very dangerous fork in the road that would have cost me my life. Now while I’m not the tiniest of ladies, I’m not a big girl either, yet I was consuming a large bottle of vodka a day, sometimes two large bottles of wine, but mainly the vodka. Why I thought this was normal behavior I will never know. Anyways, my days were spent consuming vast amounts of vodka followed by popping migraine pills. I began to spend more and more time in bed. Not only was I completely dehydrated and malnourished but my drinking also made my potassium plummet and I suffered from constant heart palpitations and muscle spasms. This once runner and soccer player could now barely walk down the hall, much less down the street. Any sort of physical exertion was just out of the question. Frankly, I was at the point where I was about to exchange the long time love of my life for a harder and faster fix and it would have killed me due to my weakened state. I guess I can say that I never really decided to get clean. It was more like I was out of options. I had no money and I couldn’t get a job to save my life. God had me cornered and I began to desperately seek His help, but the only response He kept giving me was to give up alcohol. I told Him that I didn’t understand because my seeking was for a job. I told Him that He did not understand what He was asking of me. I told Him that alcohol had nothing to do with my problems. I also told Him that alcohol is the love of my life, that it is my everything. He refused to budge. It would be months before I would realize why getting sober was the key to everything else unfolding in my life, much less the fact that it was the key to me staying alive. And so I very reluctantly, quit drinking. It was horrible. Oh my God, was it horrible. I literally did nothing, but scream into a pillow for the first sixty days. I did not realize how dependent I was until I no longer had my magic potion in my cup. I was scared of everyone and everything. I was paralyzed with fear and mundane tasks brought about serious panic attacks to the point that I was retreating from places more than I was going to them. I was literally a dear caught in headlights for the first three to four months of my sobriety. It was during this time, that God placed me into a church. Mind you, I had previously made a solemn vow to never be a part of a church again, to never get close to any Christians ever again and to certainly never ever get close to any pastors ever again. God obviously had other plans and decided that my being completely upside down was the perfect time to place me into a new church. He knew that by the time I realized that I had become an integral part of a church again that it would be too late and He was right. I also have to hand it to these people as they have done a good job caring for the crazed lunatic that is/was myself though I do keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do keep wondering why they haven’t thrown me away yet and wondering when they finally will, but this is one of my character defects and I am working on changing these thoughts as I come to terms with the events that created them. As I sit here typing on this last day of August, I can say that life is very different in a very good way. Yes, I have my list of character defects, but I am aware of them. I no longer crave alcohol either. I do still spin, but I am starting to catch myself earlier and earlier and am able to stop that spinning almost immediately. I am told that this is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in action. I am told that my ability to catch my spin before I actually spin out of control and do something stupid is proof that the AA program works. I am learning how to deal with life, something I apparently never really learned and I thankfully, no longer resemble a deer caught in headlights. I guess you can say I am getting my chutzpah back. I have great friends and really good, solid people around me; people that really do care and I know that I am loved. I am in the process of obtaining a new career position and have plans to begin publishing some of my fiction works in the next year or two. I guess the biggest difference is that all of these struggles have walked me across that bridge to where God is my everything and for this I am most grateful.
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Yep, that about sums up my existence right about now. Nothing bad is happening per say, but neither is anything good. Life is moving at the speed of sound and I am standing still watching it all happen to everyone, but me. The other day, I told my mom that being broke in southern California is like going to Disneyland, but not being allowed to ride any of the rides. It just plain sucks. I feel like I am sitting on a track, only there is a race going on and I am the only runner not running. The only thing that does seem to be happening is the increase in the number of fine lines on my now aging face. It would be an understatement to say that I am having a case of the blahs and to make matters worse my sunshine fell out of my back pocket blocks ago. I need to find a way to be interested in life again. Yes, it is true that some of this blah is connected to the fact that I am coming up on one year of sobriety so that first year funk is rolling in like a thick and non-dissipating marine layer determined to ruin everyone’s day at the beach. On top of the funk is the wonderful sugar doldrums as I am three weeks into my new diabetic existence. (But I do have to add that being able to eat all day long and not gain a pound is awesome and might I add that diabetes is a very unexpected way to answer that lifelong prayer of being naturally thin!) On top of my now sober and sugar free existence is complete boredom at work and financial strain every waking moment of the day. I guess the one thing that I am not doing (that usually makes everything better) is writing, not that I haven’t been given some story ideas. I just find it hard to focus on writing when my own well-being is not in order. I am putting pressure on myself to find a new job because I feel that I am too old to not have a career of some sort. And I fear that if I don’t find something soon, I am going to cross that age line and only be considered for the positions that no one else wants. The eternal spirit inside me is screaming, “This is not how life was supposed to turn out! You were supposed to move to a sleepy beach town, get married, have fur babies and write novels and plays from your chic home office with a sea view. What happened!” The answer is I happened. I made bad decisions and walked down roads I shouldn’t have and as I look at the future that is now in front of me I shudder. The future is not yet set, but it is not looking good either. I guess I just have to keep in mind that one moment can change the course of my life completely. One moment can make everything I am going through worth it. One moment can connect all the dots that I cannot connect right now. Until then I just have to keep doing my part: stay sober, work on bettering myself both inside and out, keep working my steps, keep my commitments and keep trusting that if God is going to this much trouble to make me anew, He must have something for this new me to do. “A story only matters, I suspect, to the extent that which people in the story change.” ― Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane “There was that "in between" phase. The phase between where I was at the time and where I was going. It's a grey zone if you will. A cocoon phase.” - Mastin Kipp After a fleeting moment of clarity, I find myself back to not knowing which end is up. I am worn out mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I don’t really have any fight left. My current job has become rather stressful, which would normally be something I revel in given that I actually like and hold interest in my daily activities. Unfortunately, my current provider of all things monetary does not hold my interest and that is why this stress is what I refer to as bad stress. I am a simple being. If I want to do it then it is good stress. It doesn’t matter what’s on the line or how much pressure is on me or how many plates of expensive china I’m juggling. If I like it, I want to do it and it is good stress. I love that kind of stress. I’m actually one of those people who prefers running around like a crazed maniac. I am an administrative powerhouse who is fantastic with all those little details, but I also have a creative side that cannot go unfed. The worst part is my personal projects are suffering due to this bad stress. Well, it is more like they are just not happening because I am too exhausted to even think about them. I just feel lost right now. I have come to terms with one of my biggest regrets (i.e. that job I should have taken two years ago in Nashville). I know that ship is sailed and I know that for whatever reason, I am supposed to be in LA. What I don’t know is when I will find a sense of belonging out here. I miss my friends and family terribly and am in desperate need of a support system. I am kind of a guy in that a lot of my identity comes from my job and I know that when I land in a position closer to one of my passions that some of this need for belonging will subside, but not all of it. I feel like I am in that cocoon that Mastin is talking about in his post. Or like that age old phrase, “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be.” I’m in the in between and the in between has been okay, but once I hit my six month sobriety mark it was like a light switch went off inside me. I pretty much have my competence and confidence back and as far as I am concerned I am beyond ready to move forward, only I’m not moving forward, at least not that I can see. To say that I have complained to God about this would be an understatement. Unfortunately, the only response I have received has been the following thought: you can’t run from something you can’t see coming. This thought makes me think of what I’m doing at my church. I find that I love being a part of making a show or service happen. It’s good stress. It’s fun. And I would never in a million years ever have thought that I would ever want to run media for anything, but I got thrown into this while I was still in my screaming into pillows days. In other words, I was so upside down that I didn’t really know what was happening until it was too late. Maybe the same thing is happening again. Maybe God has me upside down all over again so He can place me into a position that I would otherwise turn down. Maybe the only way God can keep me from running from the right thing is to keep me from seeing it in the first place. I may be flying blind, but I have the feeling that I am flying blind in the palm of God’s hand and that changes everything, does it not? Earlier this month I asked God to help me grasp His love for me. You see, some pretty awesome people that are on some serious Jesus juice surround me and I want to be on it too. They have this passion and peace and joy that is contagious only I can’t seem to catch it. I do know that they all seem to be able to grasp how much God loves them and that is one thing I just cannot seem to accomplish. I will believe it for a few days or on a good week, but then life slaps me in the face again or I make a mistake or something doesn’t go my way and I for some reason assume that God doesn’t approve of me which translates to Him not loving me.
It’s strange that I have always been able to trust God when it comes to keeping me cancer free. (Back-story: I had a melanoma while my father was fighting his losing battle with melanoma. Mine was in the skin which is stage 1; his was everywhere which is stage 4) I recall begging God to just keep it in the skin so I never have to go through what my father went through and I’ve never really worried about it since. I’ve had several moles removed over the past six years with most of them being pre-cancerous. In fact I had another mole removed this month and it was while I was alone in the room waiting for the extraction that a terrifying thought occurred to me. I have a part to play in my having this type of cancer. You see, I’ve always thought the reason it was so easy to trust God with something like cancer was because I had no part in it. It was His deal and therefore He was responsible. The truth is that simply is not the case. While a genetic predisposition to Melanoma does play a huge factor in whether one is susceptible to this disease, so do one’s actions. As a young lady in the south, I did more than my fair share of idiotic sunbathing. Hell, I’d never even use sun block… No, I sir… I had to have the tanning oil that seeped the sunrays into my skin. I was also a heavy tanning bed user and considering that my melanoma was on my foot, I’m pretty sure that what I use to refer to as my “bright, warm coffin” almost actually was just that for me. I mean I even returned to the tanning bed after my father lost his battle with melanoma and after I had a melanoma. I mean my actions were beyond stupid, but God has honored my request nonetheless. I can see His hand in the timing of some of my doctor appointments, in the doctor’s I was lead to who ended up being awesome, proactive caretakers including my brand new California caretaker. It hit me in that exam room, that God has been keeping me alive and keeping this persistent melanoma from going past my skin for six years. I also thought about my many car accidents, all of which, I am extremely lucky to have walked away from much less walked away unharmed. Those accidents were 100% my doing, God had nothing to do with those and yet He kept me alive through all of them. Then I remembered how I almost died when I was a year old due to a heart valve that wouldn’t close. I just stopped breathing and if my neighbor had not been home to rush me to the hospital, I would have died. I recalled how I endured several high-risk surgeries and practically spent the first few years of my life in a hospital in Nashville. My mother says it got to the point, that if I saw anyone who resembled a doctor or a nurse, I would just start screaming. They were trying to help me, but the only thing I knew was that when they came, it hurt. Believe it or not, the list actually continues. Some items on the list are all my doing and some are half mine and half God’s and only one is just God’s. The fact is that regardless of whether I was at fault, God still had His hand on me, He was still carrying me through and He has had more than several chances to get rid of me, but He has chosen to keep me around. He must think I am worth something. He must have a plan for me. He must love me. So I asked Him to help me slowly chew on this as it was going to be a long digestion. God is showing me a lot of love right now through the people He has placed in my life. People that love me right where I am and are patient with me as I continue to learn to navigate this world sober and I can truly say I have never experienced anything like it before. I can actually see His hand in everything that is happening in my life. Why I landed where I landed in LA, the people I have come to know, the jobs and internships I have held, the purpose of my current responsibilities… the dots are starting to connect. Six months ago today, I surrendered the one thing I thought was my everything. On that day, I thought God was being mean and punishing me and wanting to take away the one thing that always got me through, but it turns out He was intervening on my behalf because He knew that if I stayed on that road, I wouldn’t be alive to write this post. When it comes down to it, we can be some dumb, defiant, stubborn, and greedy people and if we are honest with ourselves, we find that God works in spite of us much more than He works with us. However, He continuously chooses to intervene on our behalf… and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is. Happiness, hit her, like a train on a track Stuck still, coming towards her, no turning back -- “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence Welch & Isabella Summers This year has brought a lot of necessary change as well as some mighty useful life lessons. After three years of wrestling with whether or not I should move to Los Angeles, I shifted into gear and drove across the country and landed in the San Fernando Valley. I quickly became accustomed to the LA area traffic windows, pedestrians and the unfortunate parking situation that is known as the City of Beverly Hills. I mean what is there not to love about this town? It is beautiful here and it usually boasts awesome weather to boot. While I wish I could say this journey has been all smiles and no frowns, I would be lying. I recall that in one of my resolutions from last year I stated that I felt God might have some intentions that were not on my radar and He did. Enter Life Lesson #1: For reasons beyond my understanding at that time, God deemed it necessary that I get clean and sober and stay that way. After taking a couple of classes with Mastin Kipp (you can find him over at The Daily Love) I came to realize that my lack of sobriety was the one thing keeping everything from falling into place. It became clear to me that God was holding the key to my being able to stay in LA and that the only way He would hand over that key was if I handed Him my alcohol – something I wasn’t willing to do, but under the circumstances I had no choice. As the fog cleared and I started feeling feelings I’d never really felt before ( aka loneliness) I stumbled upon … Life Lesson #2: I found my Creator and Sustainer and He wasn’t mad at me nor did He want to punish me; quite the contrary, He wanted to love me and prepare me for the gifts He still plans on giving me. As I continued on my sober journey and took a second class with Mastin, I came to realize… Life Lesson #3 … that my fear of not being good enough is the root to every problem I have, including the alcohol. I learned that I continually sabotage myself by subconsciously seeking out people, places and things that reinforce my status of “fuck-up” or “black sheep” or “not good enough”. I learned that I have continually put myself in situations where I either didn’t have a chance to shine or never could shine so that I could keep my comfort status. I apparently decided that I’d rather amount to nothing and never achieve anything than face the fear of finding out if I am indeed good enough for myself, my family, my friends, much less a good man and the lovely masses. So for 2013 I only have one resolution and that is to reinforce the positive in my life, which in turn allows me to face my fear of not being good enough on every level possible. This means putting myself in situations where I have responsibility so I can start changing that comfort status of mine. God, being several steps ahead, already has things set in motion. I have a new job where I am learning how to handle studio assets and accounts, a volunteer position where I am learning how to handle the media portion of a church service and an internship where I will be handling a live show or two come spring. I am also reinstating my writer status and have three projects to kick me off. Reinforcing the positive also entails spending time with quality people that have good hearts and good minds and are supportive in nature and you know actually give more than a flying hoot when it comes to my world. Happiness does indeed sometimes hit like a freight train, especially for those like myself who fear anything that is actually good for us. I define happiness as a change that you don’t want or fear because you don’t realize that it sets the stage for all the things you want to come into your life. For me, sobriety hit me like a freight train. I hated it. It turned my comfy, miserable world upside down and made me realize what was actually keeping me in a deadly holding pattern. It also set the stage for me to uproot my greatest fear from my life and thereby make it possible for all the things I have secretly wished for to finally make an appearance in my life. So as we start this New Year, my only question for you is what is your freight train? What change do you need to make? I cannot promise it will be an easy ride, but I can promise it will most definitely be worth it. |
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