Yep, that about sums up my existence right about now. Nothing bad is happening per say, but neither is anything good. Life is moving at the speed of sound and I am standing still watching it all happen to everyone, but me. The other day, I told my mom that being broke in southern California is like going to Disneyland, but not being allowed to ride any of the rides. It just plain sucks. I feel like I am sitting on a track, only there is a race going on and I am the only runner not running. The only thing that does seem to be happening is the increase in the number of fine lines on my now aging face. It would be an understatement to say that I am having a case of the blahs and to make matters worse my sunshine fell out of my back pocket blocks ago. I need to find a way to be interested in life again. Yes, it is true that some of this blah is connected to the fact that I am coming up on one year of sobriety so that first year funk is rolling in like a thick and non-dissipating marine layer determined to ruin everyone’s day at the beach. On top of the funk is the wonderful sugar doldrums as I am three weeks into my new diabetic existence. (But I do have to add that being able to eat all day long and not gain a pound is awesome and might I add that diabetes is a very unexpected way to answer that lifelong prayer of being naturally thin!) On top of my now sober and sugar free existence is complete boredom at work and financial strain every waking moment of the day. I guess the one thing that I am not doing (that usually makes everything better) is writing, not that I haven’t been given some story ideas. I just find it hard to focus on writing when my own well-being is not in order. I am putting pressure on myself to find a new job because I feel that I am too old to not have a career of some sort. And I fear that if I don’t find something soon, I am going to cross that age line and only be considered for the positions that no one else wants. The eternal spirit inside me is screaming, “This is not how life was supposed to turn out! You were supposed to move to a sleepy beach town, get married, have fur babies and write novels and plays from your chic home office with a sea view. What happened!” The answer is I happened. I made bad decisions and walked down roads I shouldn’t have and as I look at the future that is now in front of me I shudder. The future is not yet set, but it is not looking good either. I guess I just have to keep in mind that one moment can change the course of my life completely. One moment can make everything I am going through worth it. One moment can connect all the dots that I cannot connect right now. Until then I just have to keep doing my part: stay sober, work on bettering myself both inside and out, keep working my steps, keep my commitments and keep trusting that if God is going to this much trouble to make me anew, He must have something for this new me to do. “A story only matters, I suspect, to the extent that which people in the story change.” ― Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane
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“There was that "in between" phase. The phase between where I was at the time and where I was going. It's a grey zone if you will. A cocoon phase.” - Mastin Kipp After a fleeting moment of clarity, I find myself back to not knowing which end is up. I am worn out mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I don’t really have any fight left. My current job has become rather stressful, which would normally be something I revel in given that I actually like and hold interest in my daily activities. Unfortunately, my current provider of all things monetary does not hold my interest and that is why this stress is what I refer to as bad stress. I am a simple being. If I want to do it then it is good stress. It doesn’t matter what’s on the line or how much pressure is on me or how many plates of expensive china I’m juggling. If I like it, I want to do it and it is good stress. I love that kind of stress. I’m actually one of those people who prefers running around like a crazed maniac. I am an administrative powerhouse who is fantastic with all those little details, but I also have a creative side that cannot go unfed. The worst part is my personal projects are suffering due to this bad stress. Well, it is more like they are just not happening because I am too exhausted to even think about them. I just feel lost right now. I have come to terms with one of my biggest regrets (i.e. that job I should have taken two years ago in Nashville). I know that ship is sailed and I know that for whatever reason, I am supposed to be in LA. What I don’t know is when I will find a sense of belonging out here. I miss my friends and family terribly and am in desperate need of a support system. I am kind of a guy in that a lot of my identity comes from my job and I know that when I land in a position closer to one of my passions that some of this need for belonging will subside, but not all of it. I feel like I am in that cocoon that Mastin is talking about in his post. Or like that age old phrase, “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be.” I’m in the in between and the in between has been okay, but once I hit my six month sobriety mark it was like a light switch went off inside me. I pretty much have my competence and confidence back and as far as I am concerned I am beyond ready to move forward, only I’m not moving forward, at least not that I can see. To say that I have complained to God about this would be an understatement. Unfortunately, the only response I have received has been the following thought: you can’t run from something you can’t see coming. This thought makes me think of what I’m doing at my church. I find that I love being a part of making a show or service happen. It’s good stress. It’s fun. And I would never in a million years ever have thought that I would ever want to run media for anything, but I got thrown into this while I was still in my screaming into pillows days. In other words, I was so upside down that I didn’t really know what was happening until it was too late. Maybe the same thing is happening again. Maybe God has me upside down all over again so He can place me into a position that I would otherwise turn down. Maybe the only way God can keep me from running from the right thing is to keep me from seeing it in the first place. I may be flying blind, but I have the feeling that I am flying blind in the palm of God’s hand and that changes everything, does it not? “Walk out of any doorway, feel your way, feel your way like the day before.
Maybe you'll find direction, Around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you.” Lyrics from Box of Rain, Grateful Dead Have you ever been in a situation where you were so sure it was going to work out only to find yourself slapped in the face with calamity, disaster or even worse, humiliation? Have you ever had a person enter your life that you thought was the answer to a problem only to have them spit in your face and call you crazy? Have you ever landed a great job only to get settled in to find that the writing on the wall screams not your cup of tea? Well, that’s just God taking you in a different direction. I’ve had a string of these situations recently and I find myself in the middle of such a situation right now. It’s not fun being unsettled, especially when the writing is so clearly written on the wall and you have yet to uncover your next destination as well as the how and when of your arrival. It’s like being stuck in two worlds. You know you aren’t staying where you are and you have some clues to where you are going, but the exact destination and route are still unknown. It’s all God leading you in a different direction. I was recently handed a job that was a literal lifesaver in that I was about a month away from being homeless when I got hired. I was very excited to find that not only was I able to stay in California, but I also had a pretty easy job with awesome co-workers, kick-ass bosses and a general laid back, easy going vibe of an office. All in all, it was a good fit… well, all except for the fact that it is nowhere near my life’s passion. I knew when I took the job that it was not a forever kind of deal, but I had no idea the honeymoon was going to end so quickly! These past couple of weeks I have become very aware of how tired and drained I am at the end of the day and the general disinterest in all things pertaining to my job doesn’t help either. Moreover, God is staring to nudge me in terms of reminding me of why I came to California in the first place. He’s starting to build a fire under me regarding my writing. I told my God that I needed a day job that excites and energizes me if I was going to get my writing groove back. I also spewed something along the lines of this tired and annoyed shadow of a human being is hanging on to her sobriety by a thread and now You’re nudging me to get back to writing? When and how was that going to happen? For all I know I’m just having trouble adjusting to working full time and you know – being fully aware of it. Luckily, I remembered something Mastin Kipp said in one of his classes… that confusion precedes clarity… so I’ve been hanging on to that invisible thread, and trusting God to show me whether it’s me or the situation and what my next steps should be and then something amazing happened. For starters a nocturnal owl perched in the room next to mine confirming my search for new digs…. Mind you I’m not sure where I should search for digs at this point as I also started hearing things at work about how the company was going to be changing over the next year. As it turns out, almost everything I love about the company will soon be non-existent. The people I love are moving to a different location, the laid back atmosphere is being replaced with an annoying high security ambience and the one thing I’ve always said I’d never partake in is becoming a part of my job duties. Well, how’s that for some giant and completely legible writing on the wall! I told my God I was beginning to feel like I was being shooed out of a town without any money or transportation to take me on to the next town. I then began to become acutely aware of the fact that the work I do in an internship capacity always energizes and excites me no matter how drained I am and that I needed to pay attention to that particular piece of information. It also dawned on me that I happen to hold a volunteer position in a different component of the same field. Light Bulbs Flashing! So not only was the writing on the wall as clear as day, but I finally had a clue as to what direction I needed to move towards. It’s all such an emotional whirlwind: this whole being where I am, while trying to figure out how to get to where God’s taking me. I like the people I work with and there are perks to my job, but it just isn’t my final destination. This job is more of a layover in that it is keeping me in place so I won’t miss the plane that is about to pull into the gate. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t and we can’t take it personally, we just have to realize that God may be taking us somewhere else. The next time something or someone doesn’t pan out, ask God what that was about… I’m sure He’ll tell you that it was just Him leading you in a different and better direction. |
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